A while back I had fight with what was a dear friend of mine.
I'm from Texas and recognized myself in my pastor's statement that Southern folks get away with gossip by adding "Bless his heart" on the end of things. My pastor is from Tennessee, so he ought to know. When I realized what I was doing and the damage that was being done, I stopped. My friend didn't see it as such and is unwilling to stop 'blessing people's hearts' into the ground.
I have tried multiple times in multiple ways to help my friend understand. That even if they weren't wrong to begin with, I was and that they didn't call me on it was wrong in and of itself. I've said I was sorry making my gossip so believable and therefore breaking their trust in me. But there is no dialogue. No communication. Just random e-mails about the deaths of people we both know. I even keep my friend on my daughter's e-mail list, just to keep them up-to-date on arguably the cutest kid ever. But there's nothing that makes me feel heard or understood.
This has damaged relationships with mutual friends. I don't get e-mail pictures of some very cute kids because sides have been taken, stands made and lines drawn in the sand.
All of this makes me sad because it's all so avoidable. Fixable even. Case in point...
I recently had a fight with another dear friend of mine. It started as a simple misunderstanding and exploded. Words were said. More were thought. Feelings hurts. Motives assumed. It was bad.
After a day or two, I had a conversation with this friend. Motives were explained. Feelings were soothed. And my friend says to me, "I'm sorry." And it was not the "I'm sorry...I got caught" or the "I'm sorry...it turned out this way." It was a heart felt "I'm sorry...I was wrong". It was as if a huge burden was lifted and I could breath again. There was a powerful positive force behind those words. And then to top it all off, my friend says to me, "I'm so sorry I dishonored you like that." I almost floated on air.
To say the least, our relationship is restored and improved by our misunderstanding and the resulting conversation. I am very happy.
The longer any fight goes on the more it takes to restore relationship. The longer any trust is stretched the longer it take to reestablish. The more people involved on any side, the more people have to be brought to the table. Heaven forbid there is money involved...
But it all starts with two little words...I'm sorry.
Sunday, December 14, 2008
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